Author: penultimatew

There is one  looming menace that we are all aware of-  we read about global warming every day, hear about it all evening, talk about it all night.  It is mentioned in TV sitcoms, debated in Congress, covered in every paper and magazine.  And indeed, the fearful image of humanity, trapped between the spreading deserts and the encroaching seas, is gripping, compelling, terrifying.

But there is another problem, growing just as quickly,  that gets no media attention at all.  It is a far more immediate threat, and one with far more gruesome consequences. But no one talks about it-  why is that?  Is it that the governments have already analyzed the situation, and concluded that nothing can be done, so the only reasonable course is to keep silent, avoid a panic?  It cannot be that the entire world is blind to this problem, when it is apparent to anyone with sufficient perception and experience, every time we go up  a flight of stairs.

I am speaking, of course, of the recent increase of global gravity.  If you are over 40, you know what I am talking about.    You know that climbing stairs, throwing a long pass,  even rising from your easy chair has gotten progressively more difficult in the last few years.  What other explanation can there be?  The inescapable conclusion is that gravity is on the increase, and not slowly.  This has become painfully apparent to me as I climb the stairs at work. Reaching the top flight gets harder every year.  But there is more evidence-  the balls I throw  do not go as far, things I used to lift with ease now challenge my shoulders and strain my back.  It all fits together- our planet is ever more powerfully dragging us down.

I wonder, why is this not the premiere cause of our generation?  Why are we not rallying in the streets?  What dark conspiracy keeps us ignorant of the cause and effects of this nascent tragedy?  Surely something can be done, or at least attempted.  Simply allowing this process to continue is unthinkable, the consequences almost unimaginable.

I feel saddest for the younger generation.  They have not had time to notice this insidious change, and when they do it will be too late.  By the time they become aware, they will all be no more than 2 feet tall, toddling about  looking like fleshy accordions, gazing up wistfully at their inaccessible upper stories.   And the highest irony is that this will spell the end of the space program- the energy required to launch a spacecraft into orbit will become so great that no nation will be able to accomplish it.   Gravity will trap us all here to endure the final crushing end.

Global gravity increase-  write your congressman now!

We’re all a part of it-  all of us.  Me, you, your Great Aunt Bessie.  All of us.  In a conspiracy to promote cannibalism at the Holidays.  We watch, we cheer, we may even cry at the end when he, even he, the Grinch himself, carves the roast beast.  The message seems so clear, but is it?  I ask you again, is it?

Let’s remember, shall we, before the poor Grinch crumbled to peer pressure, and joined the Who’s in their fearful who festival.  Before he sat with them, carving with glee at some mound of unidentified flesh.  Remember the last item he took from the Who’s houses.  What was it?  What was this subtle, neglected, almost subliminal clue as to who the real villains were?  It was a can of WHO HASH!

Don’t you get  it?  It’s there staring you, staring all of us right in the face! WHO HASH!  OK, follow me here-  if chicken hash is made out of chickens, and corned beef hash is made out of corned beef, then Who Hash must be made out of –  out of-   I can’t say it!  Don’t you see?  The Grinch was trying to head off a bacchanalian of  Whophagia-  he wasn’t the villain, he was a hero.  At least until he gave in, and joined the self consuming throng below him.  Dare we ask-  what rough (roast) beast, it’s hour come round at last, slouched then toward WhoVille?